Finding love, finding a life partner, is typically high on the list for my single clients. Not because they can’t be happy on their own, but because we all want to feel like we belong, right? We want that unconditional support and companionship.
When I first start working with these ladies, they often will ask me how can they find the right partner? How can they attract a fulfilling romantic life?
I've written out a list of tools that I've used in my own life, and found to be helpful for my clients, on the quest for lasting love. It's important that if this is a change you really want to make in your life, you actually do the work. I suggest getting a separate journal for the purpose of working through this list. I like this one for less than $10, but any will do.
Once you've got a designated journal, start working through these 5 steps to healing so that you can find love again.
1. Know who you want to be alone, before deciding who you want to be together.
Start with a Bliss List - make a list of 20 things you love to do that make you feel incredible joy, peace, fulfillment. What hobbies do you want to start? Is there anything you want to stop doing?
2. Define your boundaries before starting a new relationship.
What behavior do you know you don’t want to see in your next relationship? What type of physical touch is okay? In what ways do you want a new partner to speak to you? How much of your relationship will you share with friends and family?
3. Openly, honestly, evaluate your past relationships.
This is the time for you to be really honest with yourself. It’s so easy for us to blame ex-partners for what went wrong in our relationships and why they ended. Take full responsibility for your role in the last relationship. Evaluate your behavior separately from your ex-partner’s. What worked? What didn’t work? What will you do differently? Then, once you’ve evaluated your own role in that past relationship, evaluate your ex-partner’s. What did they do well? What didn’t they do well? What do you want to be different? This will give you some great insight for understanding your non-negotiables.
Personally, my last relationship before dating my husband was an abusive one. If this is the case for you, do not take responsibility for the abuse you received. It was never your fault. You never deserved it. But you can still do these evaluations to uncover what your non-negotiables are.
4. Understand what your non-negotiables are.
After evaluating past relationships, can you clearly define what you absolutely will not do without in your next relationship?
5. Forgive yourself for past mistakes.
You are a growing, learning human being. It is ok if you made mistakes. What judgements are you holding against yourself? How does holding judgement against yourself help you move forward? What do you need to forgive and release in order to move forward? What parts of you do you need to shine more love and light on?
And here’s a bonus tip: you don’t have to do this alone! Get an objective 3rd party person, like a coach, to help you work through your thoughts around all the topics above. Friends are great and fun, but they have an agenda that maybe doesn’t align with yours. They have beliefs about what a relationship should be, what love and happiness should feel like, and it might be different than what you think and believe. And that’s ok! What that means though, is that they are not the right people to help you evaluate your love life.
If you'd like help working through these steps, I've got a few spots open for 1:1 coaching, and I'd love to help you. Book a free consultation with me now. You are meant for more love and happiness.